Into the mind... Why I can't stop thinking...

Today marks a milestone for my growing family. We are officially 27 weeks along, which means we are in the home stretch, the 3rd trimester. As they say, every pregnancy is different and I am no exception to that rule, however, I have to try and get some emotions out and this felt like the best way to do just that.

Some are aware that this baby girl is a rainbow baby. What is a rainbow baby you may ask? A “rainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

Justin and I suffered 2 known miscarriages after our son and both, despite being in the first trimester, were devastating. We struggled with secondary infertility for 3 years. Now, one of the biggest battles I fought with myself was due to the fact that I already had a child. But, I've come to realize that secondary infertility can and does have real issues just as infertility. It is not talked about enough and can drain a person even more because it is downplayed.

Physicians, too, may downplay the possibility of secondary infertility in their previously fertile patients and encourage the couple to "keep on trying." The emotional experience of secondary infertility often is a compilation of the distressing feelings of anger, grief, depression, isolation, guilt, jealousy, self-blame, and being out of control. I felt guilty for experiencing normal grief and worry about how my current emotional state would affect my son. The powerlessness to produce a sibling for him often produced feelings of sorrow, as does the inability to perpetuate the parenting role. I felt distant from friends as those who were a great source of support when parenting our son are now linked to sensations of pain and jealousy.

Sadly, couples with secondary infertility tend to receive less social support from others than couples who have primary infertility because the infertility is unacknowledged, the pain associated with infertility is invisible as the couple has a child, and there is no concrete loss in the family. In addition, couples experiencing secondary infertility may be recipients of criticism by others who think they should be grateful for one child and that it is foolish to go to extremes to increase family size. Of course, a couple can be extraordinarily thankful for their existing child and still long for more children.

Hitting this marker has made me look back on this pregnancy to date and realize, I don't think that I feel as connected to this child as I did my son at this point in time. I find that I think I emotionally separated myself so that if we had another miscarriage, it wouldn't hurt as bad. Now that I'm at the 3rd trimester, I think back and feel guilt for doing that and now feel like I shorted this baby girl a connection. It's a vicious cycle I have stepped into and one that emotionally I need to find resolution for. 

My overall goal is to be the best mother I can possibly be. And I believe that comes from making mistakes, but then learning from them. It is how I react to the emotions and feelings that will allow me to grow as a mother and gain wisdom in parenting and building relationships. Just about every experience I am going through now is a new one, so how else am I to know what to do then to just experience it in the moment.

Now, with all of that spewed out, here is the bottom line. For those who are going through Infertility, Secondary Infertility, Rainbow Babies, First Time Pregnancies, etc... learn from each experience and share your experience. Part of coping or healing or making it through, comes from being able to physically release the emotions. Whether that be in writing, verbally expressing, drawing, what have you... it is important to lay it out there. 


So many people will offer their feedback, their thoughts or opinions... some will be helpful, some will support you, others will offend you and perhaps upset you. This is a part of it, but you don't have to feel that you are alone in your struggle. 

I may have done some things right, I may have done some things wrong in my experience, but I did something and I think that is what matters. I chose to make my life a more positive ride but allowing myself to understand that there are negative items and not everything can be sunshine, fairies and unicorns... I'm still a sarcastic, realistic and factual woman. Type A only begins to explain me. But in reality, teaching myself to be positive, express myself and find a way to help others, makes life worth the struggle.