Monday Mantra

Monday Mantra

Sometimes you just need to remind yourself that the flaws you see in the world are lessons for yourself. Take time to remind yourself of these wise words to help yourself build stronger bonds.

Positive Motions

So things are going well. The waiting game is still the waiting game, and honestly I'm not going to post any results right now whether positive or negative as I'm not ready yet to say and it is still as stated the waiting game with more tests scheduled. ;)

Instead, this Friday's post is about being positive. I changed my approach on things a while back, where I used to allow drama into my life and thought that I needed to be involved in other people's drama because I wanted to be in the know. I wanted to help them. I've always had the mediator sense in me and I like to offer my two cents. Perhaps as they say, that is the Virgo in me, natural born leaders, know it alls, etc. But I never realized just how toxic that can really be.

Whether it was age, maturity or just a realization, I found that it was hurting me. Not only me, it was toxic to my family, my marriage, my friendships. So I made the executive choice to remove myself from it. I reviewed my lifestyle and changed the physical and emotional aspect of how I was treating myself:

1. Eat better

2. Exercise more

3. Reduce stress

4. Focus on family

5. Focus on friendships

6. Focus on being a leader

These 6 items became my goals. Now they are pretty vague, but being the person I am, I needed to build on them and develop SMART goals around them so for your reading pleasure, here is my breakdown on them with some background on what the problem was and how I chose to fix it.

Eat Better

Pretty simple right. I found that I was an emotional eater. When I was stressed, bored or being social, I was not eating healthy nor in good quantity. I married a garbage disposal with a great metabolism. Luckily for my son, he too got those genes and they probably will never have to worry about being short and round like me. However, this means to feed them, we rest on a lot of carbohydrates and snacks. Those don't mix well for me, at least not the ones they want in the house. Now there was also an opportunity for the entire house to eat healthier, so this was a family experience as well. 

I had been approached by a college softball teammate of mine in regards to a healthy lifestyle program she was a part of, and at the time she first approached me, I was not interested as I was concerned with the cost and that it could have been a pyramid scheme. (Sorry M!) A year later, almost to the date, I reached back out to her. I was ready to hear about it. I made it clear that I didn't want to sell the product, I was just interested in being healthier. So I got started on the Isagenix program in November 2015. After my first 30 days, I was down 20 lbs and 20 inches. The program truly helped me reset my body to take in healthier foods that didn't promote fat, but proteins and natural goodness that allows my body to process more efficiently.  This continues to take place today. I'm not on the strict diet currently, but the program has taught me to look at what I'm putting into my body but still enjoy a burger every once in a while.

Exercise More

I was an active athlete through my childhood, high school and college. Playing volleyball, basketball, softball and riding horses. You could always find me outside playing something. I never was big into actual exercise though. I didn't wake up each morning and go for a run, jump on a bike or take up a class. 

So when I got done with college my daily source of "exercise" was done too.  I had bought a Fitbit earlier last year and was using it sporadically. When I started the program, I made it my mission to hit 10,000+ steps everyday. It was going well, but I needed inspiration. I needed competition. 

So I found all my friends who had a Fitbit and linked up with them as friends on the Dashboard and started weekly challenges. If we didn't have a challenge, I would look at my friends list to see where I ranked to them and made sure I was doing all that I could to be at the top. This worked for me being the competitive person that I am, but I also found that I had some like minded friends and we were able to cheer each other on and help each other meet our goals! Find your motivation and it will drive results!

Reduce Stress

Now this was the one that took all my goals and wrapped it up. In improving goals 1,2,4,5 & 6, this would naturally have a positive impact. However, I found that there were certain relationships, certain organizations and certain actions that were adding undue stress to me. I needed to find a way to get rid of it. Naturally there are people in your life that will frustrate you but they are still good people that have good intentions. I most certainly had them! I love them, but if I saw one more Facebook post about their negativity or first world problems, it was going to drive me nuts. So, one of the steps I took was to review my social media functions. I didn't need others to bring me down. Unnecessary drama as I've mentioned. I didn't want to end my friendship, but I didn't need to see their posts. So the lovely feature of "Unfollow" became a heavily used function. Other functions that became my friend, the delete comment button. I changed the way I posted on social media, only positive items, never complaints. So if someone chose to make a comment on my post that upset me or wasn't appropriate, DELETE! It was lovely! Social media has become such a downer so I chose to make my items positive. It was my way of adding some good flavor to the world.

I was heavily involved in an organization that catered to young adults and their impact to the community in which they lived. The mission of the organization is amazing and the impact they can make drove my ambitions to be a positive influence in the world. It was amazing and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Unfortunately there were some changes (led by the aforementioned certain relationships) that made me need to leave. The treatment of volunteers, of my help and the lack of respect drove me to leave the local level. We have become a society that does things only for the recognition and that wasn't the route I was on nor wanted to be a part of. My stance remains, love the mission, hate the politics.

Focus on Family

My family is my life. For many years they followed me and supported me in my adventures. It was time for me to now support theirs while making some of our own together. Mainly this centers around my son. He is turning 6 in April and went through so many changes over the last year. My husband and I were very involved in community service and our son tagged along for most of it. He also got quality time with grandparents, but he was missing mom and dad time. Along with that, he was starting kindergarten and exploring new social interactions. I needed to focus on him more. There were some struggles in starting kindergarten and my time needed to be there for him to assist him. 

My husband and I were trying to have another baby and between all the life stresses and secondary infertility issues, we were losing who we were as a couple. It was time to make more time for this immediate family. And that was the point: MAKE TIME!

Focus on Friendships

It was time to really cultivate my friendships that were a two way street. There is a lot of give an take in relationships, sometimes it feels like you give more. But if you really look into that relationship and see that you are the only giver, then it's not worth continuing. I found that the changes I made with social media, helped quite a bit. I don't consider a meaningful conversation with a friend something that starts with, "did you see what I posted on Facebook?"  

Let's talk about the positive things in your life or be willing to talk about how to fix the challenges you are currently facing. If you only want to complain, that's not going to change the situation. Let's come up with solutions. It's the friends that want to better themselves, better you and better the world that I wanted in my life. And that's what I did!

Focus on being a Leader

 I wanted to become a better leader. Where every other goal has had lengthy writing, this one can purely be described by this:

The Waiting Game

Waiting. Waiting seems to be the name of the game these days. Wait for the new cycle to start, wait for the right size, wait for the medicine, wait for the test. Waiting. At times I wish I could revert to my younger self and throw a temper tantrum, however, composure is also been a nice little life lesson for me.

Granted this is my first round of meds and ICI/IUI, I can't help but feel that I don't know how well I'll take a let down of a negative test. I know many people have been struggling for a longer time and have more complicated issues, but I have to say, the pain I feel in having failed attempts is still real. It still hurts and that is just the truth of it all.








Being loaded up on meds for the last two weeks and the fact that I'm either pregnant or about to start a new cycle, my emotions are all over the board. I'm not sure if I want to laugh, cry or run around like a maniac! I've got it in my head right now that the signs I've experienced aren't real and that I should prepare myself for a negative test and focus on regrouping myself to get ready for another round. Being emotionally ready for that announcement from the clinic is proving to be one of the largest challenges thus far.

 This is the time that I need to remind myself that I have many blessing already and that I need to reflect on them to remain positive and confident that we will get our miracle.

The anticipation

Tomorrow is the day... here's hoping for a little miracle!

My Story

My story begins as many others do. I grew up in an up and coming suburb in Minnesota that was learning its identity just as I was during my first 18 years of life. I was lucky to have many blessings in my life, some I recognized at the time, others I realized later in life.

Throughout my life I have learned many lessons and recognize that there are many more to be learned. One of the best lessons learned was one over the last 6 months. Being positive & keeping a kind heart will allow you to get through just about anything. I finally took some time to reflect on myself and I knew I was not in a good position to respect myself as I was having bouts of depression (something I dealt with in my teenage years) and self image issues. Now, again, I'll repeat, my story isn't really different than millions of others. More people than we can even fathom go through depression and self image issues. I would be so bold to say that everyone in their lifetime goes through this, but it's the choice to make things better that brings people out of it.

I've done medicine and counseling to try and work through depression and dieted for body image changes. But, the low point for many things for me started 3 years ago. Along with these two issues, my husband and I began the journey of working for our second child.

In 2009, 3 short months after we got married, we were pregnant with our beautiful son. There was little effort it felt like to get pregnant and the pregnancy was limited in issues. I hardly had morning sickness, no gestational diabetes, no pains outside some sore feet and the occasional back spasm. He was a kicker and a fantastic boy!

When our son was about to turn 3 we knew we wanted to have our second child to keep them close in age (I have two brothers, 10 and 22 years difference from me). We actually got pregnant rather quickly again and in December  of 2012 we had a positive test. Right before Christmas, I felt a little funny. Went to the bathroom and found that I was bleeding heavily. We rushed to the ER and at that point they told me it most likely was a miscarriage but that I would need to wait a few days and check back with my OB/GYN to confirm. It was heartbreaking. In my mind I had lost a child. No matter how far along, it hurts. The feelings are horrible. I didn't know at that time, but I know that moment will always be in the back of my mind now as a constant fear. Fear that even though I may become pregnant again, I could loose that child just as I lost this one.

A few months later, late March to be exact, we found out we were pregnant! This one felt right! Right off the bat, the symptoms of a strong pregnancy were there. Breast soreness, tender to the touch, morning sickness, aversion to smells and certain foods. I had never been more happy to be sick in the morning! We announced to our family on our son's 3rd Birthday party. He wore a shirt I had made for him that said,  "I'm turning 3 & a Big Brother to be!" Even the little guy was excited to have a baby in the house. I had an 8 week check up a few days later (Yes we recognize that announced REALLY early, but it was just my parents there so it wasn't a large announcement). In the ultrasound they noticed that the heart rate was lower than they would have liked to see. They asked me to come back in 1 week to check again and make sure their was growth with the baby. If you thought the 2 week wait was hard, this wait was excruciating! This time, I needed my husband there for support, so he and our son came along. Unfortunately at that appointment we found that there was no growth and in fact there was no heartbeat. The baby had not progressed past the 6 week marker and I felt as though I'd failed again. I had to have a DNC procedure to remove the fetus from my uterus as they didn't know if I would pass it naturally. The thought was that I got pregnant too soon after my last one and my body wasn't ready.

Needless to say, I was gun shy to try again. Through support of my doctors and discussion with my husband, we decided to take a year off from legitimately trying. From spring of 2013 to spring 2014 we basically gave it all a break. Picking the cause back up in 2014, we were tracking cycles, testing for ovulation and all the fun items that those TTC go through. Up until July 2015, we were unsuccessful and had decided that it was time for us to talk with the doctors. I went in to talk to my OB/GYN and get more information on secondary infertility. I will say I was EXTREMELY lucky that day. I was supposed to see the same Dr. who did my DNC, but she was backed up and they asked me if I wouldn't mind seeing another Dr. I was fine with it as they all work with each other as a team. Well, this Dr. was the best choice for someone TTC. She personally had gone through infertility issues, so she understood what I was going through, asked probing questions, answered all my questions and said that she was willing to be as aggressive as I wanted to be. We started with a blood work up to check levels and she offered some advice on common issues and how to fix them. She said if we didn't conceive on the next cycle, we would do a test where they insert dye into your Fallopian tubes and watch to make sure it goes through cleanly. Some refer to this as a "pump and flush" as it can clear out the "cobwebs" so to speak. Unfortunately the "pump and flush" was not the answer for us. Although everything looked good in the test, the experience of others to get pregnant shortly after was not one we were going to experience.

At this point, I had done all the testing for myself. It was time for my husband to jump on this band wagon. Now, I haven't written much about my husband yet. But I would not do him justice if I didn't take a moment to talk about what a guy goes through and how fortunate I am to have a man that supports me, supports the process and its just an all around AMAZING partner in life. There were some rough points, I won't sugar coat it. I felt at times that I was the only one doing the things that needed to be done to deal with our infertility and I broke down. The one thing that I know helped us, communication. I had to share my feelings with him because if I held my emotions in, I was harming us both. It was time for him to become the proverbial guinea pig and go for a semen analysis. This round was an at home sample and the drop off locations were 45-60 minutes away. This is important because this analysis came back stating he had a borderline low sperm count and motility. Unknowing at the time, the time it took for him to drive the sample to the clinic probably affected the analysis. We started some herbal remedies to boast sperm count and motility and I began to take some that was to help my eggs.

October 2015 came around and I had realized that I needed to change my world. I needed to find a way to help not only me, but my family through this. I needed to become a better person and help fight internal demons before they reared their heads. This was going to be a two pronged approach. Physical and Emotional. Physically, I needed to feel better about myself and be healthier. I wanted it for me, for my husband, for my son and for my future child. If I wanted to get pregnant, I needed to be as healthy as I could and that meant I needed to lose weight. I reached out to a friend from college and started the Isagenix program. I'm not selling it so I'll just say, I loved it and from following the plan and working out daily (walking mostly with some core items) I have lost 40lbs. The second item was emotional. I needed to become a more positive person and release the drama that was around me. I found that my attitude changed with I evaluated the people and the organizations in my life. What added value, what didn't. Was there anything to gain and to give from being in these relationships. Once I "cleaned" my environment, things immediately got better. I also found little things like motivational sayings (such as the ones posted in this blog) and posting positive things on social media reminded me to be positive and gave me the strength to deal with the hard situations.

With this change in lifestyle, we took the next step and were referred to the Center for Reproductive Medicine. Again, blessed with a great Dr. who was willing to get to it right away. Due to the cycle timing, we were going to have to wait to start Chlomid and Ultrasounds until January. This was going to work well for me because I was taking a trip overseas for work and was set to start my new cycle the weekend after I got back. Well, mother nature has a way of messing with you and it started while I was on my trip! So we had to wait until February. This brings us up to the present and this is the experience I've had on my first round of conceiving assistance.

Between Day 1 and 3 of the start of my Cycle (first day of regular flow), I had my first ultrasound appointment. They check your uterus lining and ovaries for follicles. This becomes a regular thing leading up to ovulation. This first appointment set up my Chlomid cycle. Chlomid basically makes your ovaries work overtime. I was placed on 50mg starting on Day 5 and I needed to order the trigger shot (Ovidrel) so that I could inject myself when the doctor instructed. Through the Chlomid days, they brought me back to have more ultrasounds and to measure the follicles and uterine lining. While my uterine lining was progressing nicely, the follicle sizes were not at the size they wanted. I've read on other sites that some groups will have you trigger when follicles are 13-15mm, while others want 18mm. My group wanted 20mm or larger. On the date I was "supposed" to trigger, we ultrasounded and found that I was only at a 12mm which was no growth from the ultrasound I had 2 days prior.

Disappointment again... but in remaining positive, the doctor called and said we can fix this. She started me on another round of Chlomid, this time at 100mg. After another 5 day cycle on this dose, I went back in for another ultrasound and low and behold, those follicles were at 20mm and 22mm. I had follicles on both sides that they were happy with and my Estridrol levels went from 45 pg/mL to 315 pg/mL. Needless to say, emotional roller coaster thanks to the meds and the experience. With positive reactions to the second round of Chlomid it was time to inject the trigger shot. That night, my mom (a nurse) came over to help walk me through it. The anticipation leading up to the actual injection is so much worse than the actual injection. It really doesn't hurt, its just the fact that if you are injecting yourself, you have to get over that emotional and potential physical process. After a minute of breathing and wondering again why I was doing this, I plunged that little needle into my belly and it was over. Super simple once it is done!

Once you have triggered, they have you do timed intercourse that evening and then I went back to the clinic 2 days after the trigger (I triggered on a Tuesday so on Thursday I was back in the clinic). The Thursday appointment was for my husband and I. We chose to do an IUI (Inter-Uterine Insemination) on the first round. He went in late morning to collect semen that would be scrubbed for the best swimmers. I then came in a few hours later and had the IUI. Basically you are in the standard pap-smear position and they inject the semen directly into your uterus. There was a little change in our plan due to a finding in the semen. This was not out of the norm, but since they needed to test for white blood cells found in the semen, they changed it from an IUI to an ICI (Inter-Cervical Insemination). This helps reduce the risk of infection on my part in case the analysis came back unfavorable.  The nurse said this happens many times on the first round, and that it likely would not affect future rounds if needed. So after the very romantic moment with my nurse, the turkey timer starts and for 10 minutes I scrolled Facebook and Twitter and chatted with my best friend and husband via IM to help pass the time and send good juju!

So that brings me to my current state. Because of the Chlomid and Ovidrel, I have to wait for 2 weeks from the trigger date to take a pregnancy test. They state that the at home one could be a false positive due to the meds, so I have been scheduled for a blood test. Fingers crossed, miracles happen every day, and I hope that I have one growing inside me.

I've started this blog to help me process not only this life journey, but for others that I know will come our way. I also hope that perhaps my stories, my thoughts, my laughs and my cries can inspire others. You never know what someone else is going through and sometimes a touch, a talk or a read can help them. I know I had some that inspired me! My husband and I first danced to the song "God Blessed the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts on our wedding day and I firmly believe that all the blessings in my life have come from walking a broken road. It has made me better, stronger and who I am today.