Back to the Journal Board

Isn’t it funny how we can start something with the best intentions and then completely drop the ball?

They say it takes 21 days to develop a habit, for me I feel like it’s longer when it comes to something that is good for me. Case in point, I was in a deep state of anxiety and perhaps looming depression while my husband and I were trying to conceive our daughter over 3 years ago. We had gone through 2 miscarriages, 1 required surgical interference. We were struggling and I did what I do and began to house all my anger and other feelings inside to pile up into a big ole ticking time bomb.

The thing I realized at that point though, was I needed to get that out if I was going to make it through this time. So, journaling became my outlet. I did well with it but soon after my daughter was born, I stopped. Why? Why did I change a positive habit after I got what I wanted? Seems dumb looking back on it right? It was helping me through a tough time. How about continuing a positive habit to be a preventative measure rather than a reactive measure?

Well enough with being dramatic over the past... bottom line, I’m back to doing a journal via this blog and may dip into Vlog stuff too. Life doesn’t stop throwing challenges at you, bad things still happen, good things still happen. So let’s bring back a constant to help us deal with life.

There has been a lot that has happened since I last wrote so I’m just reflecting on the highlights quickly to capture some thoughts.

• Job changes: My husband and I both have changed jobs since 2017. My husband switched from Automotive to Forklift Tech. He no longer deals with the difficulties that comes with the automotive field, works almost as his own boss to work out of his work van and deal with his own set of customers. Most days I’d say he loves that change, but winters here are tough. Working outdoors is something that happens frequently, the typical corporate challenges add a new stress for him and his body isn’t as young as he used to be and things hurt. It was a good change and one I know he will be proud of in the long run. I myself changed from one company to another and loved the new company but began to be unhappy dealing with adults who acted like children. So after 12 years with one company and 1 1/2 years at another, I left the finance world all together and decided to stay home with my kids and open a daycare. 
• Relationship Challenges: when it came to friendships and some family relationships, it was time to say goodbye. When I finally realized there was no way I could continue on with certain people in my life, a weight lifted from me. I no longer wanted negative, selfish and confused relationships in my life, I developed the confidence to say goodbye. To say no is empowering, to say goodbye is freeing. Once I got over the loss physically, the mental aspect became the next step. When I look back on the drama I’ve walked away from, good lord it’s been such a positive impact on my life!
• Home improvements: We have worked so hard to be homeowners and with that, we do so much to our home to make it beautiful, our oasis and a place our kids and others can seek out as a place of refuge and healing. From landscaping to new floors, to our most recent upgrades of repainting the kitchen, new windows and in the next few days new kitchen appliances. Adulting! It’s the new fun thing every 30-something is doing LOL
• The kids: what can I say, they make my world go round and round. My oldest is in TaeKwonDo and Football. This past fall he did flag football and wants to do tackle next year. As a mom, I don’t know that I’m ready to deal with tackle and my boy but if he enjoys the game, it gives him an experience that only team sports can, then I’m going to grit my teeth and be the best football mom he could possibly have. My youngest is exploring life and testing boundaries. She started soccer (a 45 minute weekly class that tough skills and let me have coffee without her jumping on me session) and liked it well enough to want to go back each week. She is adjusting to sharing her home with other kids and continues to be my little rainbow baby that I will have a very special bond with. Both of my children have special places in my heart for their independence, their mannerisms, their challenges and most importantly the  bond only a mother and child have together.

Well that’s it for now. So many specific topics I could cover but there are plenty of days ahead to go into it all. Because this will be a long term habit that I will do!

Inspiration glitter

I read a Blog post last night that truly resonated with me and had to share this thought with everyone:

"Ours is a society and generation obsessive about the work-hard-hustle-get-shit-done attitude. It’s new. It’s trendy. It’s everywhere: on coffee mugs, punctuating Pinterest boards, even framed into office wall decor. But some days, the mere idea of being that relentless about the rise-and-grind is just too much, and no amount of gold glitter font will change that.

Thankfully, a lifestyle in which your physical, mental and emotional needs are met all while being motivational to help reach your goals has less to do with being ‘addicted to the hustle’, and more to do with simply following your heart, and trusting yourself."

Along with listening in on a call last night (how timely), I've fallen into the pattern of posting "Inspirational" memes every day, but what is it really doing? I was "addicted" to just posting them vs actually being inspired by them. I'm taking that last line and running with it, I need to be less about the "hustle" or act of posting and more about simply following my heart and trusting myself.

For anyone interested, here is the Blog: 

#BeAuthentic

https://herafter.wordpress.com/2017/08/22/work-life-balance-daily-routine/

Back to It!

 

Time to get back to it! For too long I've been fighting getting back to my healthier lifestyle. Putting up excuses like, "I'll do it at the start of the month," "I don't have time," and "I don't care anymore."

Today I made the conscious effort to make the time, get back to the plan that worked so well for me before the Tiny Human blessed us and to be a healthier momma for my kiddos. 

You may ask, "Why in the heck does she have to post about this!?" 

The truth is, because it's real. Its accountability and dammit it's going to be a journey to get back in shape!

So suck it up buttercup, prepare for some FitBit posts, unfollow me if you must (you'll miss cute pictures of my kids!) but the one thing you won't do is change my mind!

Despite the intent, words still hurt...

*Please note this is a raw post, swearing will be a part of it*

Yesterday I experienced a moment that hurt. It wasn't the intent of the person to hurt my feelings but the unfortunate thing is, it still did. I'm currently 3 Months and some odd days postpartum and while I was at my Monday night bowling league, drinking a beer and eating a burger, someone from the other team asked me when the baby was due. I was in such shock that I thought perhaps I didn't hear them correctly. 

I responded saying 3 months ago. She seemed to be just as surprised by my answer and you could tell she didn't mean to offend me and started to cover her tracks. Despite the fact that she didn't mean to offend me by her question, I still felt lower than ever at that moment.

Now, when will people learn that comments like this, unless absolutely sure someone is pregnant, may not field the best response. Despite my confidence in my internal beauty and the confirmation from family and friends, the hurt of unfortunately being told by someone that you still look pregnant is so painful. 

I can't really begin to communicate all the thoughts that went through my brain for the rest of the night. I honestly had to hold back tears the rest of the evening. Even today I am fighting to control my emotions. I don't want to allow myself to be vulnerable to this, but reality is, my self esteem is probably at the lowest it has ever been. The thoughts of how do I physically make myself a healthier person as quick as possible ran through my mind. In a time that I struggle to get 5 hours of sleep at night, how do I put time in my day to exercise so that I lose weight? Why don't I bounce back like others? Why am I fat?

Now, I'm sure people will comment with things like:

"You earned your stripes, you are a momma."

"Don't let her get to you."

"You are beautiful on the inside and that's what matters."

Yes, yes and yes... all things that are true for everyone, and I truly appreciate the positive nature of each and every person who is helping my ego on this... and I am truly thankful for the kind words. But good lord, it still fucking hurts. 

Honestly, I'm just hurt. I've fought my weight most of my life. I'm a short girl. Big boned. Large chested, with thunder thighs. At the height of 5'3", my ideal weight based on some health models should be 121-135... I can tell you I'm far from those numbers.  I played three sports in high school, collegiate softball and now had two kids via c-section. I don't expect to have a typical model body. I don't want to be a size zero. I just want to be healthy and fit into a pair of jeans where I don't have a damn donut rolling over the top. 

I'm even more worried now that I've had this reaction to this comment for my kids. As a mother, I don't want my kids to have body issues. But, how do I teach them to be proud of their bodies, when I'm not proud of mine. This isn't just a girl issue. Boys have body issues, too. So for my son and my daughter, how can I be a great role model about being proud of your body and the curves or lack of curves you have when I'm so low.

Will I get over this, hell yes. I know I have it in me to become a healthier person both mentally and physically. I will take this bump in the road and use it as motivation. Not because of this person's comments and their opinion of my body, but because I WANT IT! 

But for right now, let this be a reminder to people. Words can hurt. Even if you don't mean for it to be harmful, it can be. You never know how low someone is. I'm not trying to be one of those "butt hurt" people. I'm all about respectfully speaking your mind. Please don't take this as I'm just one of those overly sensitive millennials who needs to have a trophy for participating. I'm a human that deals with issues that so many others do as well. Whether you've had a child or not. Whether you are a size 0 or 30... this shit hurts.

Fingers crossed that someday, we as women, men, humans... get to a point where we are no longer shameful of our body type over a simple comment from another.

Establishing a New Routine... The Return from Maternity Leave Edition

So in 4 weeks I'll be returning to work and as a new mother of two tiny humans, I've got a new challenge ahead of me. With the Little Human in school and the Tiny Human set to go to Daycare, it's a mixed morning of different directions. Add on the complication of the Tiny Human being only 2 months old and in a state of flux when it comes to a routine, feeling like I have control over my mornings, afternoons and evenings is needless to say not happening currently. 

I am an organizational junkie. OCD to a point that I need post-it notes, calendars, color coding and apps to assist me. The rest of my home dwellers are not necessarily on the same page. So with the new year and the timeline to my return shrinking, I've decided January 3rd was the best time to start working on a routine that allows my organization/planning requirements to be met as well as allowing for some impromptu items as life tends to say "F-YOU" when you try to control too much.

Since I'm not there yet, I thought I'd share some other sites that I'm utilizing at this time to help schedule my time. Hopefully you can find some good tips as well to help you out. After all, we all have to plan for so many things based on our lives, who couldn't use a little help!

http://www.morningmotivatedmom.com/how-to-create-a-morning-routine/

http://redefiningmom.com/working-mom-resources/

Now let's be honest, I just really want to get my Tiny and Little Human out the door with clothes on and hopefully I myself will have pants on too. I'm not thinking I will have all my ducks in a row and be the super mom that balances a workout, nursing session(s), pumping session(s), 3 course breakfast, shower, etc. to be completed every morning. No again, I emphasize, ARE THERE PANTS ON THE KIDS AND MYSELF? Winning if there is!

So here goes the routine, may I have sanity 38% of the time!

Friday Night Mama

So it's 6:30 on Friday night and I'm able to sit down finally and write while the baby is napping, the boy is eating dinner and the adult dinner is in the oven. I've got my 2nd coffee of the afternoon next to me, my hair is in a greasy ponytail, I'm wearing workout clothes but haven't worked out and I'm a little smelly and due for a shower. Let's be honest, this is the #MamaLook.

Maybe she's born with it...

Maybe she's a mom!

This is pretty standard and even more so this week as it was winter break for the boy so I had both kids 24/7 all week. I have really enjoyed my time home thus far, but I will tell you it's been a different routine for sure. To expect anything different after having a baby is just naive!

<Insert time out to go get the baby who just woke up>

Well an hour later and the homecoming of the hubby, I'm back at the blog. I've got the tiny human (baby) beside me and the hubby is playing Star Wars with the little human (the boy).

I've got a month left of leave and it feels like there is still so much that I want to do to take advantage of my time home with my kids. I knew that prior to my leave, my time at home with the little human was not what I wanted. I wanted more and was trying to work on a way to balance career and being a parent. Now with the tiny human here, my time with my kids is even more divided due to their different needs due to their age difference. But I'm concerned that when I go back to work, it's going to be rough, How do I balance an infant, a 1st grader, a husband (aka the big kid), my career, my home and of course me!?

This time last year I was focusing on being a better me. Mainly physically, I wanted to feel better about me physically to help me emotionally. I lost weight and became more active with fitness. I really began to feel better about myself and that led into my change to become a more positive person and what I saw as a better person. I believe it helped us to create (along with science and the lovely process that is fertility treatments) our tiny human.

Now it's time to get back on it while balancing my new life in mommyhood. And the timing couldn't be better to correlate it with the New Year. So many people set up resolutions, I just want to get back to being a healthier me again but I don't want it to interfere with being the mom my tiny and little human need. I think there is a balance I can find, it will just be how long will it take to find it!

So here it is, instead of starting it on January 1st, I'm starting December 31st so that is isn't about a new year, its about me. Will there be bad days, of course.... I'll want to yell, scream and eat a freaking bakers dozen donuts, but I will be happy, healthy and me.

So here is to the balance. It's not a new me, it's not an improved me. It's a changed me, because change is inevitable and necessary. If you don't change, adapt and improve then you are only hurting yourself.

Morning rituals, how they have changed!

I've generally always been an early riser most of my adult life. I hate to waste daylight and obviously having kids makes being up early in the morning a steady occurrence. 

Before we got pregnant with our daughter, I found the only available time for me to work out was early in the morning before my son and husband got up because it was me time and it didn't conflict with family time which I deem very important. 

Now it hasn't changed too much with our newborn here, but this morning got me thinking about how my rituals have changed and how I've changed with them. This morning I woke up around 1am to change over baby duties with my husband. We worked on a pattern where I head to bed early, get a few solid hours of sleep while he has the baby. I take the early morning times so that he can get sleep before heading into work. 

Our daughter is pretty consistent with sleeping for 2-2.5 hours at a time so by the time I got her fed and into a sleep on my chest (we are introducing crib sleeping currently but sometimes late at night her and I want snuggle/skin to skin time) it was @ 2:30am. She slept until 4:45am and we woke again to feed. Getting her fed and asleep isn't a problem, it's her filling her tank to stay asleep right now that takes some time. I brought her to her crib at 5:30am and currently that's where she still is, sleeping like the angel she is.

Now I spewed all that because I would say normally it would make sense to crawl back in bed and sleep a bitmore, however, my mindset has changed in being a mom for the last 6+ years that there are things to prepare to make the day successful. So at 6am on my Thursday morning, I grabbed a cup of coffee, let the dogs outside and began pumping to work on our reserve of breast milk. Add in a little dish washing and some general tidying up of the living room, I also began to think about what I needed to do to prep my son for his day ahead at school and thought about packing a lunch for my husband.

I know many moms out there can relate to the cluster thoughts that happen not just in the morning but all day long. No wonder we need mommy free weekends or a little time off sometimes! But I'm not going to complain at all. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I also recognize that I have an amazing partner to be there with me. We communicate and learn from every experience we go through. 7+ years together, 2 kiddos and 5 different addresses, we have built a strong foundation and grow stronger.

Nothing like a morning rambling session and a cup of coffee (and probably a little sleep deprivation) to get someone thinking and talking!