*Please note this is a raw post, swearing will be a part of it*
Yesterday I experienced a moment that hurt. It wasn't the intent of the person to hurt my feelings but the unfortunate thing is, it still did. I'm currently 3 Months and some odd days postpartum and while I was at my Monday night bowling league, drinking a beer and eating a burger, someone from the other team asked me when the baby was due. I was in such shock that I thought perhaps I didn't hear them correctly.
I responded saying 3 months ago. She seemed to be just as surprised by my answer and you could tell she didn't mean to offend me and started to cover her tracks. Despite the fact that she didn't mean to offend me by her question, I still felt lower than ever at that moment.
Now, when will people learn that comments like this, unless absolutely sure someone is pregnant, may not field the best response. Despite my confidence in my internal beauty and the confirmation from family and friends, the hurt of unfortunately being told by someone that you still look pregnant is so painful.
I can't really begin to communicate all the thoughts that went through my brain for the rest of the night. I honestly had to hold back tears the rest of the evening. Even today I am fighting to control my emotions. I don't want to allow myself to be vulnerable to this, but reality is, my self esteem is probably at the lowest it has ever been. The thoughts of how do I physically make myself a healthier person as quick as possible ran through my mind. In a time that I struggle to get 5 hours of sleep at night, how do I put time in my day to exercise so that I lose weight? Why don't I bounce back like others? Why am I fat?
Now, I'm sure people will comment with things like:
"You earned your stripes, you are a momma."
"Don't let her get to you."
"You are beautiful on the inside and that's what matters."
Yes, yes and yes... all things that are true for everyone, and I truly appreciate the positive nature of each and every person who is helping my ego on this... and I am truly thankful for the kind words. But good lord, it still fucking hurts.
Honestly, I'm just hurt. I've fought my weight most of my life. I'm a short girl. Big boned. Large chested, with thunder thighs. At the height of 5'3", my ideal weight based on some health models should be 121-135... I can tell you I'm far from those numbers. I played three sports in high school, collegiate softball and now had two kids via c-section. I don't expect to have a typical model body. I don't want to be a size zero. I just want to be healthy and fit into a pair of jeans where I don't have a damn donut rolling over the top.
I'm even more worried now that I've had this reaction to this comment for my kids. As a mother, I don't want my kids to have body issues. But, how do I teach them to be proud of their bodies, when I'm not proud of mine. This isn't just a girl issue. Boys have body issues, too. So for my son and my daughter, how can I be a great role model about being proud of your body and the curves or lack of curves you have when I'm so low.
Will I get over this, hell yes. I know I have it in me to become a healthier person both mentally and physically. I will take this bump in the road and use it as motivation. Not because of this person's comments and their opinion of my body, but because I WANT IT!
But for right now, let this be a reminder to people. Words can hurt. Even if you don't mean for it to be harmful, it can be. You never know how low someone is. I'm not trying to be one of those "butt hurt" people. I'm all about respectfully speaking your mind. Please don't take this as I'm just one of those overly sensitive millennials who needs to have a trophy for participating. I'm a human that deals with issues that so many others do as well. Whether you've had a child or not. Whether you are a size 0 or 30... this shit hurts.
Fingers crossed that someday, we as women, men, humans... get to a point where we are no longer shameful of our body type over a simple comment from another.
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